It was 3am, as she slept unrealisingly…This was another lesson time taught her, not to waste it in waiting…wait for sleep and it wont come…maybe, she had to try the law of attraction…thus she began imagining to fool herself to be asleep…
Lots of times, she lay there…all tired and worn out and sleep wouldn’t come…after all, It was subconscious…sleep is scared to ascend on a conscious state of mind…what when she gauged every thought, alert and vigilant as they came…wondering as they came…filtered as they came…she was caught in its suffocating embrace… ‘no, no’ she decided…conscious effort to keep thoughts at bay…that wont work either...for the hundredth time, after the battle…she slept without the track of her last thought…only when the footsteps vanished could she find her pavilion!
five hours passed like five minutes…the alarm rang at 8am.she hit her phone to shut it and paused to feel good… ‘Feel Good’! She told herself.
she walked into the shower planning to wash away sleep, she ran down the shower and stepped in dropping shampoo on her head as it took course...she danced and sang loudly, releasing her vocal chords, setting them free, competing with the showers noise...she closed her ears suddenly...absolutely noiseless...at this point, she was scared for no reason...she wanted to shout to say she existed...she felt lost in a waterfall as it washed her away...and what if nobody knew???Her ‘time’ seemed to end…
Removing her hands from her ear, and facing the water, face held up high...she fought with her breath until it became difficult for her to endure...40 seconds...20 more would make a minute...she couldn’t...ah, ‘Time’ she thought again...she held her breath and stopped breathing...the water fell on her hair, nose everywhere but she couldn’t feel it...for her, It was all still... ‘When time stood still?’ she wondered? Wrong way of expressing the right thing like many other right things, she thought… ‘Time’ went on…at least, in this world…No water moved or touched her...Time devoured these events as she held her breath...she was not even breathing, technically not even alive...those few seconds, she saved on this earth that she would live later...
she laughed at her silly thought drawing in lots of water as she laughed...she chocked over and felt 'Alive'....time again she thought, If she dint breathe...It dint matter, she saved time...But ‘Time’ went on...continued....those moments she was elsewhere where a different time zone was followed probably???...Maybe she went close to the gates of heaven or hell...she dint care at the moment....’Time here and Time there’...she awed....
she often heard that meditation prolonged life...One of those lines, we hear often...But never think, preferring to deny since its eerie....If you dint breathe...and held your breath...what they called meditation coz it involved proper technique...what would happen to all that time that was yours???...of course, saved to live later?...Life prolonged?
In this regard, she also dint understand how one wasted time saving time for later...probably, for when they knew to what better to make out of it...This was disturbing her simple graph...Time Vs. Life....directly proportional, it should yield a straight line…but this holding breath seemed to extend an alternate path, at every point in the graph, there was a choice...she stepped out of the shower and grabbed a pencil and a paper to calculate roughly how 10 min of meditation in a day saved life for an average life of 70 years, also all those times we held our breath when exposed to a bad stink, she thought…negligible....she ran back to her room, all drenched in her towel and calculated it to 4258 hours, approximating to 177 days…she ran back to the bathroom, wondering what this meant… ‘Time here and time there’ was running in her mind…what about purgatory??? it offered an other course…all this while here, ‘time’ was playing with her sense of belief…sense…and yes, she seemed to understand, where the cycle had to complete…her senses transported her to various time zones…
Without much similitude, she suddenly remembered an article she read in the ‘Readers digest’ that said about people getting better ideas in the shower, where there mind lay relaxed...Hmm...she thought...distracted from what time was teaching her and stopped the shower and wiped the mirror with her hand that was covered with mist now...she looked at herself and smiled... ‘I love you’ the look read, she relished the feeling of being alive...
To be continued…
Through and Through...
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
PERENNIAL!
Chanelising Madness… There was no focus…Cant remain on a thought, Cant stay put on a task…There was restlessness, craziness…Loud song playing in the background…she rose from before the computer and danced before the mirror….her phone beeped, drowning itself in the loud music…not that shed pick!
She played with the volume…Loud, Louder, Loudest….suddenly muffled…silence…. ‘Silence was a part of music’, this she knew, believed and experienced. This game in rhythmic patterns of 2, 4, 6 and 1, 3 , 7…she amused herself with it wondering just how much the volume, Intensity that her ears heard changed the whole perspective…a whole new feeling!
Six times differentiating the volume was difficult; it needed more focus, balance and flexible hand movement. She did it! The rhythm synchronized with the volume control…it felt a bit like DJing but she dint add any other rhythm, only the volume fluctuated to give a new emotion each time… Yes, only the volume, the sound well quantized reaching her ears at different times… ….after all, volume was just quantizing sound. She wondered how this was so much a factor for Great music, taken for granted! This picture, she could relate to a paper all ready to be written while the words formed, pausing at places….They paused, but the papyrus was still much there…Like Rhythm, ever pervading…It couldn’t change or wait for nobody, nor did it go on….It was there, Music and eventually volume and invariably silence only hung up to it.
She analysed this falling on her bed all together and understood Rhytm was Time. As she paused over this idea, she smiled into herself…This was it, Time…she knew encompassed on as much as Rhythm. She could move things from them both!This Rhythm was time…Time doesn’t stop, so doesn’t Rhythm!…wow, she reflected ‘another rediscovery of existing discoveries’….she frowned and smiled into herself yet again!
Seven was too difficult…she got irritated and left her room, looking in the fridge for something to eat, she checked the clock…It was 2am.she scanned through the fridge and picked an apple and bit it with too much force…a large chunk filled her mouth as she danced back to her room, the rhythm still going through her mind.
She stopped suddenly….TIME, she thought, that was it!
‘There’s nothing wrong with just being yourself….’ The song played as she shouted along…the neighbors were used to her now, they closed the windows and drew curtains…and maybe even plugged their ears and buried their heads into their pillows….she dint care! She closed the doors and windows too though…she was the last person to draw attention!
She danced to ecstasy…with nobody watching until her legs ached, that’s when she paused lying on the bed and relishing the fatigue. Her creative mind got the kick start as new steps started to form…But she dint have the energy to try them! ‘Remember for tomorrow’, she told herself, knowing pretty well she wouldn’t, she would hop something entirely different tomorrow or maybe she won’t!
She got up and looked into the mirror ‘what are you?’ she asked, ‘what are you’? It asked back even before she could realise! Reflecting upon that question, she fell back on the bed…grinning as she remembered what she liked to do as a kid. She held a small mirror before a large one and focused on the infinite reflections counting uptill a 15 as it got smaller and difficult to observe after that, however bright the light!It felt like Infinite was there, right there, 'that moment', well captured but imperceptible.
Her human making dint take long to view the Infiite reflections well formed within less than a fraction of a second, illusionary and making her believe it happened simultaneousely when actually, the same beam of light reflceted 'n' times and reached her retina, while her mind developed the image.All taken for granted, Time took it within itself, making things less complicated...yes, 'Time'...
She got up and sat before her laptop and opened to ‘Dell webcam central’ and began a video recording- positioning herself exactly like how she did before the mirror and she asked the lappy ‘What are you’?. She stopped the recording and played it back….
This realization was one like a kid on his first bicycle…The same act she did, at different times brought different feelings to her. In the mirror, she took control, she did it and it was played back simultaneously, she held the responsibility at ‘that moment’ and hence couldn’t process critically or appreciably. The video had to be recorded and when she viewed it back, she saw it like anybody else. The fact that it was herself in the video dint matter. She viewed and thought better over the words. It was easy to…well, ‘Reflect’. That ‘moment’ was another one. This mere difference in ‘Time’ was again able to bring her perceivably different emotions! The only distinction was ‘TIME’…
…….to be continued…
She played with the volume…Loud, Louder, Loudest….suddenly muffled…silence…. ‘Silence was a part of music’, this she knew, believed and experienced. This game in rhythmic patterns of 2, 4, 6 and 1, 3 , 7…she amused herself with it wondering just how much the volume, Intensity that her ears heard changed the whole perspective…a whole new feeling!
Six times differentiating the volume was difficult; it needed more focus, balance and flexible hand movement. She did it! The rhythm synchronized with the volume control…it felt a bit like DJing but she dint add any other rhythm, only the volume fluctuated to give a new emotion each time… Yes, only the volume, the sound well quantized reaching her ears at different times… ….after all, volume was just quantizing sound. She wondered how this was so much a factor for Great music, taken for granted! This picture, she could relate to a paper all ready to be written while the words formed, pausing at places….They paused, but the papyrus was still much there…Like Rhythm, ever pervading…It couldn’t change or wait for nobody, nor did it go on….It was there, Music and eventually volume and invariably silence only hung up to it.
She analysed this falling on her bed all together and understood Rhytm was Time. As she paused over this idea, she smiled into herself…This was it, Time…she knew encompassed on as much as Rhythm. She could move things from them both!This Rhythm was time…Time doesn’t stop, so doesn’t Rhythm!…wow, she reflected ‘another rediscovery of existing discoveries’….she frowned and smiled into herself yet again!
Seven was too difficult…she got irritated and left her room, looking in the fridge for something to eat, she checked the clock…It was 2am.she scanned through the fridge and picked an apple and bit it with too much force…a large chunk filled her mouth as she danced back to her room, the rhythm still going through her mind.
She stopped suddenly….TIME, she thought, that was it!
‘There’s nothing wrong with just being yourself….’ The song played as she shouted along…the neighbors were used to her now, they closed the windows and drew curtains…and maybe even plugged their ears and buried their heads into their pillows….she dint care! She closed the doors and windows too though…she was the last person to draw attention!
She danced to ecstasy…with nobody watching until her legs ached, that’s when she paused lying on the bed and relishing the fatigue. Her creative mind got the kick start as new steps started to form…But she dint have the energy to try them! ‘Remember for tomorrow’, she told herself, knowing pretty well she wouldn’t, she would hop something entirely different tomorrow or maybe she won’t!
She got up and looked into the mirror ‘what are you?’ she asked, ‘what are you’? It asked back even before she could realise! Reflecting upon that question, she fell back on the bed…grinning as she remembered what she liked to do as a kid. She held a small mirror before a large one and focused on the infinite reflections counting uptill a 15 as it got smaller and difficult to observe after that, however bright the light!It felt like Infinite was there, right there, 'that moment', well captured but imperceptible.
Her human making dint take long to view the Infiite reflections well formed within less than a fraction of a second, illusionary and making her believe it happened simultaneousely when actually, the same beam of light reflceted 'n' times and reached her retina, while her mind developed the image.All taken for granted, Time took it within itself, making things less complicated...yes, 'Time'...
She got up and sat before her laptop and opened to ‘Dell webcam central’ and began a video recording- positioning herself exactly like how she did before the mirror and she asked the lappy ‘What are you’?. She stopped the recording and played it back….
This realization was one like a kid on his first bicycle…The same act she did, at different times brought different feelings to her. In the mirror, she took control, she did it and it was played back simultaneously, she held the responsibility at ‘that moment’ and hence couldn’t process critically or appreciably. The video had to be recorded and when she viewed it back, she saw it like anybody else. The fact that it was herself in the video dint matter. She viewed and thought better over the words. It was easy to…well, ‘Reflect’. That ‘moment’ was another one. This mere difference in ‘Time’ was again able to bring her perceivably different emotions! The only distinction was ‘TIME’…
…….to be continued…
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
When Less is a Little More...
A Collection of poems from here and there...COMPILED!
PAIN:
She sulked in Sadness,
That heavy heart could only be felt…
Oh, what is this? What is this Madness?
She thought she was different, differently dealt!
But No ways, pain treated them all the same anyways…
She only waited on…Oh please, ‘Let his heart melt’!
**********
MELODY AND RHYTHM:
What is this melody? Sinking into Rhythm
It seems to resonate, Deep deep inside, well beyond fathom
The Mind knows the numbers behind gauged like Quantum
The tune caresses the rhythm; gentle as a breeze…Only then it is - ‘Happiness Ultimatum’!
**********
HOPE:
My head already knows it but my heart wants to deny it.
When my Heart knows it has to agree, the tears follow, The Lamp of sorrow well lit.
‘There is no crying over spilt milk’, the head orders again…
‘The milk was what I so loved’, and the Heart cannot part with pain!
There is another Time, Another chance, The Head Reasons…
That “Ray of Hope”…That “Silver Lining”…The Heart Returns
These fewer times, The Head and Heart Have well united
This Blissful Marriage gave birth to “Hope” That Life Celebrated!!!
**********
WIND:
We are like the Wind...
Liking to go our way,
We are like the wind...
touching lives and liked to be touched as we sway,
We are like the wind...
Liking to mingle yet remain at Bay,
We are like the wind whooshing and swooshing,
but are silenced when we chose to lay,
We are like the wind...
Fickle and not staying where we may,
We are like the wind...
Moving and transient like night and day,
We are like the wind...
Pushing harder where we have to pay,
We are like the wind...
meaning some times,at times just say,
We are like the wind...
we enforce or just let it stray,
We are like the wind...
Deep and serene as to pray,
We are like the wind...
that's all I have to say!
**********
TEARS:
It wasn’t her nature, she let it go…
She took the pain, nice and slow…
It held there to the brim, choking its flow
I ‘am strong, she promised…No please no…
No more…It echoed, deep down, much below
There they were unstoppable, whatever she did, twitching her brow…
Once out, they had to be there, wet and breaking the vow!
Salty, they were…pushing and running, what a spectacle…lo!
**********
COLOR:
It absorbs the rest and reflects what you see…
‘This is it’, explained the tutor, do you get what I mean?
Oh sir, he replied, ‘then why can’t it appear like me’?
Ain’t I preferred, leaving the rest, ‘ I ‘am the Scene’!
Nice point, the tute recounted, ‘That you will be…’
But Science had it all, no preferences, very clean
Like there are many, and many have the Key
But the lock is one, one that works has perfectly been
The colors are all; they all want to be…
But ‘only one’ can 'look'- no that’s not at all mean!
**********
SUN:
The sun, High Up there...
Gives me confidence!
Shining too bright, too bright to bear.
He makes his presence.
As he rises, scorchingly red
He wakes the world with him...
Taking it to its goal, as he lead
Conspicuous and important, attitude to the brim!
Its noon and he's right on my Head
Warming anything as he held
The clothes dried, oils melted...
Their pride gone with the shape and all weld.
The women Tanned their backs
As they bent to fill their Pots
The cattle moved to shade in Packs
Gnawing the cud, a behavior of sorts
The trees shined, what with all the Glare!
Their leaves brilliant, stretching wide as if to care
The sun was there, nothing to spare
He comprised of "Life",told me his stare
He Gave a smell to my clothes,That was his own...
Proving as much as he's higher,His presence is known.
He gave a smell to the grains....That dried to last,their span prolonged
He reminded 'he is an Ingredient', To Indian Recipes he belonged.
'Life' and 'Light' he reflected
Like a king he was throned.
Indians and Greeks respected
With tales and Lore's that adored.
They Made him God
and there he roared
Silently with pride...
He sustained Life, Oh ya he did...For him Twa's an obvious Ride!
**********
PAIN:
She sulked in Sadness,
That heavy heart could only be felt…
Oh, what is this? What is this Madness?
She thought she was different, differently dealt!
But No ways, pain treated them all the same anyways…
She only waited on…Oh please, ‘Let his heart melt’!
**********
MELODY AND RHYTHM:
What is this melody? Sinking into Rhythm
It seems to resonate, Deep deep inside, well beyond fathom
The Mind knows the numbers behind gauged like Quantum
The tune caresses the rhythm; gentle as a breeze…Only then it is - ‘Happiness Ultimatum’!
**********
HOPE:
My head already knows it but my heart wants to deny it.
When my Heart knows it has to agree, the tears follow, The Lamp of sorrow well lit.
‘There is no crying over spilt milk’, the head orders again…
‘The milk was what I so loved’, and the Heart cannot part with pain!
There is another Time, Another chance, The Head Reasons…
That “Ray of Hope”…That “Silver Lining”…The Heart Returns
These fewer times, The Head and Heart Have well united
This Blissful Marriage gave birth to “Hope” That Life Celebrated!!!
**********
WIND:
We are like the Wind...
Liking to go our way,
We are like the wind...
touching lives and liked to be touched as we sway,
We are like the wind...
Liking to mingle yet remain at Bay,
We are like the wind whooshing and swooshing,
but are silenced when we chose to lay,
We are like the wind...
Fickle and not staying where we may,
We are like the wind...
Moving and transient like night and day,
We are like the wind...
Pushing harder where we have to pay,
We are like the wind...
meaning some times,at times just say,
We are like the wind...
we enforce or just let it stray,
We are like the wind...
Deep and serene as to pray,
We are like the wind...
that's all I have to say!
**********
TEARS:
It wasn’t her nature, she let it go…
She took the pain, nice and slow…
It held there to the brim, choking its flow
I ‘am strong, she promised…No please no…
No more…It echoed, deep down, much below
There they were unstoppable, whatever she did, twitching her brow…
Once out, they had to be there, wet and breaking the vow!
Salty, they were…pushing and running, what a spectacle…lo!
**********
COLOR:
It absorbs the rest and reflects what you see…
‘This is it’, explained the tutor, do you get what I mean?
Oh sir, he replied, ‘then why can’t it appear like me’?
Ain’t I preferred, leaving the rest, ‘ I ‘am the Scene’!
Nice point, the tute recounted, ‘That you will be…’
But Science had it all, no preferences, very clean
Like there are many, and many have the Key
But the lock is one, one that works has perfectly been
The colors are all; they all want to be…
But ‘only one’ can 'look'- no that’s not at all mean!
**********
SUN:
The sun, High Up there...
Gives me confidence!
Shining too bright, too bright to bear.
He makes his presence.
As he rises, scorchingly red
He wakes the world with him...
Taking it to its goal, as he lead
Conspicuous and important, attitude to the brim!
Its noon and he's right on my Head
Warming anything as he held
The clothes dried, oils melted...
Their pride gone with the shape and all weld.
The women Tanned their backs
As they bent to fill their Pots
The cattle moved to shade in Packs
Gnawing the cud, a behavior of sorts
The trees shined, what with all the Glare!
Their leaves brilliant, stretching wide as if to care
The sun was there, nothing to spare
He comprised of "Life",told me his stare
He Gave a smell to my clothes,That was his own...
Proving as much as he's higher,His presence is known.
He gave a smell to the grains....That dried to last,their span prolonged
He reminded 'he is an Ingredient', To Indian Recipes he belonged.
'Life' and 'Light' he reflected
Like a king he was throned.
Indians and Greeks respected
With tales and Lore's that adored.
They Made him God
and there he roared
Silently with pride...
He sustained Life, Oh ya he did...For him Twa's an obvious Ride!
**********
Sunday, September 19, 2010
When Less is More...
A collection of one liners and other short writings. I have taken all liberty in size and style. This inspiration is totally from Ravindranath Tagore, a part and parcel of my Life now…!. Written in various times over the past three Months: COMPILED!
When you Understand, It’s Science…else, it’s Art!
**********
How can I bring you Understanding, the shadow, without light, the perspective?
**********
I like you beyond my own belief!!!
**********
If this feeling is old, Oh no problem, Its so Good, I don’t want the new!
**********
You are the consequence of that act so you don’t complain!
**********
As much as Science is brutal and crude, it’s straight forward. Art being flexible and sensitive involves politics!
**********
As I look on…Is it forming or Fading???
**********
When you dictate, I fail!
When I Initiate, I win and I shine!
**********
Pick one! She ordered herself, she picked them all…
Like they were the only one!
**********
Relax------Realize--------Revise--------Re-wise!
**********
When I dint know, I loved to talk
As I know, I so want to shut Up!
**********
Ah, if it wasn’t for ‘him’ and ‘her’, I would be struggling cooking up names!
**********
Science Restricts. Art Liberates…When they marry, they Keep you on ground!
**********
When the Understanding is done first, the soul is ready to take birth seeking the right body and that is the difficult part!
**********
When he imagined the stereotyped nature in his task, He realized it was time to move on…Move…until….no Move…wait Move…Ah, yes Move…
There is ‘Life in movement’…Now He Knew why!
**********
These moments I stare into nothingness, while my thoughts flow like glue gracing out of a glue bottle…super slow and sluggish, while my song follows hesitant, while my eyes stare wide and dazed…It’s grey and I want them more!
**********
Poets compose with one soul and Intention…
It’s ripped by the readers, to be developed with conviction!
**********
I have chosen light only after seeing Darkness
Nay, not by virtue but experience alone led me through…
There’s always a choice, except there is no choice for that process!
This belief alone can work my will and get me confidence and Happiness true.
**********
When the Book lay open, inviting to present on its stage…
I blushed, shyed and soon forgot the page…
As I lost myself into the unknown…
My confidence played, sure to recognize the tone
That moment I knew, I found me!!!
**********
No don’t deck her, he prayed…‘She’s beautiful as she is’
‘No way’, she whined back ‘I need to look pretty whatever it is!’
‘But you are pretty my dear, he reasoned’
‘Oh thanks’; she shook it off as she dressed.
**********
Boy 1: U thr gal, U single?I knida lyk U…(Boy1 smiles)
Gal 1: Nopes, U’r sick pal, no offence! (Rolling eyes)
Boy 1: Oh that’s fyn wid me chick, U’r still hot…;)(Boy1 winks)
Gal 1: Ah there, U’r considerable…( she mocks)
Boy 1:( whistles Gal 2)…Hey gal, Am I considerable?
Gal 2: Why Love, you are mine!
Boy 1: Sorry Babe, But Im already hooked (Pulls Gal 1 torwards himself)
Gal 2: Right Bud, U’re both Sick!
Boy 1 to Gal 1: ‘I love you’
Gal 1: Ya, me too!
**********
I feel like hitting on its head
And running away carefree with laughter,
But I know Ill come back to this piece of Dead
My work is here, I treat it “softer”
Whatever I do, it just stares back
Hangs up occasionally but mostly intact
There’s light there and there’s Dark
My computer is pretty much alive, I fear it might Attack!
**********
I don’t like equations,
They lack emotions…
Drag it here and drag it there please…
Whatever I have to pay for its release...
**********
If reading it from time to time is giving newer comprehends, I can only pray it’s never ‘misunderstood’!
**********
When you Understand, It’s Science…else, it’s Art!
**********
How can I bring you Understanding, the shadow, without light, the perspective?
**********
I like you beyond my own belief!!!
**********
If this feeling is old, Oh no problem, Its so Good, I don’t want the new!
**********
You are the consequence of that act so you don’t complain!
**********
As much as Science is brutal and crude, it’s straight forward. Art being flexible and sensitive involves politics!
**********
As I look on…Is it forming or Fading???
**********
When you dictate, I fail!
When I Initiate, I win and I shine!
**********
Pick one! She ordered herself, she picked them all…
Like they were the only one!
**********
Relax------Realize--------Revise--------Re-wise!
**********
When I dint know, I loved to talk
As I know, I so want to shut Up!
**********
Ah, if it wasn’t for ‘him’ and ‘her’, I would be struggling cooking up names!
**********
Science Restricts. Art Liberates…When they marry, they Keep you on ground!
**********
When the Understanding is done first, the soul is ready to take birth seeking the right body and that is the difficult part!
**********
When he imagined the stereotyped nature in his task, He realized it was time to move on…Move…until….no Move…wait Move…Ah, yes Move…
There is ‘Life in movement’…Now He Knew why!
**********
These moments I stare into nothingness, while my thoughts flow like glue gracing out of a glue bottle…super slow and sluggish, while my song follows hesitant, while my eyes stare wide and dazed…It’s grey and I want them more!
**********
Poets compose with one soul and Intention…
It’s ripped by the readers, to be developed with conviction!
**********
I have chosen light only after seeing Darkness
Nay, not by virtue but experience alone led me through…
There’s always a choice, except there is no choice for that process!
This belief alone can work my will and get me confidence and Happiness true.
**********
When the Book lay open, inviting to present on its stage…
I blushed, shyed and soon forgot the page…
As I lost myself into the unknown…
My confidence played, sure to recognize the tone
That moment I knew, I found me!!!
**********
No don’t deck her, he prayed…‘She’s beautiful as she is’
‘No way’, she whined back ‘I need to look pretty whatever it is!’
‘But you are pretty my dear, he reasoned’
‘Oh thanks’; she shook it off as she dressed.
**********
Boy 1: U thr gal, U single?I knida lyk U…(Boy1 smiles)
Gal 1: Nopes, U’r sick pal, no offence! (Rolling eyes)
Boy 1: Oh that’s fyn wid me chick, U’r still hot…;)(Boy1 winks)
Gal 1: Ah there, U’r considerable…( she mocks)
Boy 1:( whistles Gal 2)…Hey gal, Am I considerable?
Gal 2: Why Love, you are mine!
Boy 1: Sorry Babe, But Im already hooked (Pulls Gal 1 torwards himself)
Gal 2: Right Bud, U’re both Sick!
Boy 1 to Gal 1: ‘I love you’
Gal 1: Ya, me too!
**********
I feel like hitting on its head
And running away carefree with laughter,
But I know Ill come back to this piece of Dead
My work is here, I treat it “softer”
Whatever I do, it just stares back
Hangs up occasionally but mostly intact
There’s light there and there’s Dark
My computer is pretty much alive, I fear it might Attack!
**********
I don’t like equations,
They lack emotions…
Drag it here and drag it there please…
Whatever I have to pay for its release...
**********
If reading it from time to time is giving newer comprehends, I can only pray it’s never ‘misunderstood’!
**********
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Clarity!
Let me try and explain…As I looked into those eyes of pristine beauty, crystal clear, watery and full of Hope….for us…for me. That Helping and pitiful look… that reassurance that somebody who is willing to be with you all through your pain and joy and help you, clear for you….Create a path..Carve your life as it turns into a flower to be arranged beautifully at his feet. The flower merely touches the feet…momentarily and bliss runs all through it…it feels fulfilled!!!That way he looks on full of love as you write this…as he looks on and smiles….he already knows it..But it’s for your happiness, This Love that’s generating in you is to cleanse and purify you….Remind you of how much you owe…How much you are willing to surrender. That vibration all through your body and that throb you can feel in your palms as you fold them…That presence of life that is been showered to you by this eternal Lover. His voice rings in your ears and you feel endless bliss….Endless serenity and peace as he gives you Endless permanent Happiness. I know for sure for this once that my love is not in vain…For it is the love for the very breath that sustains me….My God!
Wrote that very long time ago...Found It yesterday...:).
Wrote that very long time ago...Found It yesterday...:).
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
EXTRIMITIES!
Mr.Raman was very punctual. No clock could deny it! He was always there…well on time, well prepared, be it a wedding or a funeral or a friends meet or believe me ‘A shops open’. Punctuality brought a smile upon his face…The idea of reaching ages before and waiting for it to start, The ‘Eve’ of it was most important for him.
'Auto'…she shouted, running in the rain, holding an Umbrella, not really caring to hold it in place…
There, It went right past her splashing a little mud on her… ‘calm down', she told herself…The disgusted expression on her face was free with all the mud. It is after all Nitrogen, carbon and a few bad elements that I will wash down with H2O.she consoled herself, running on the road for an auto…catching one at last and climbing in hastily…she went and stopped by their house, as her Dad hopped in with the baggage speaking angrily ‘Why did you have to shop now?’ He yelled… ‘the weathers even more pleasant’, he mocked never leaving that subtle humor even if it was yelling…and the Traffic..damn..he dint stop muttering while Arti settled and looked at her watch.5:25…too early to catch a 7 ‘o’ clock train with about 10km of travel. ‘What else can she do stop themselves from reaching so early’????.She gave up, settling to enjoy the rain and plugged in her player.
Thanks, Mr.Raman smiled at the driver and added ‘Keep the change’
6 : 00 PM and there they were…already for the 7 ‘o’ clock train…she looked up, frowning at her dad, who was slightly embarrassed for his overestimation but nevertheless heaved with pride, belly out and moustache wide….meanwhile Arti called half the population…family and friends explaining her plight, pausing only to ask if they were listening…Mr.Raman nudged her after a while, ‘The phone bill’ his look read and Arti switched to texting.
**********
Mrs.Raman yelled at her kids…’Grab the keys and lock the house’...as Arti fetched the keys and hastened to lock, she shouted ‘Wait’, ‘let me get us some cotton for our ears, we may catch a cold’ and ran in and ran out…she ran back yet again disappointing Arti while Anup just looked on…she brought some sindoor and smeared it on their heads ‘Pray the lord for a safe journey’ she said closing her eyes in prayer and pausing.. ‘Praise the Lord if we make the journey’ Arti shouted. Arti was a mere earthling bothered about daily life, traffic, time and trains…she couldn’t recall God at such times. Anup dint speak a word but shifted the luggage to the Lift at his own pace…his face read ‘what’s the point’, she’ll take her own Good time anyway….he was disappointed at the idea of leaving his Xbox for around a week and maybe dint mind missing the train.
Arti kept glancing at her watch, she couldn’t help it…5:50 and they were still nearing the station for the 6 ‘o’ clock train….Puffing and panting they reached the platform and climbed in the right coach, while the coolie followed breathless…5:57 and they stepped into the train blocking the way for other last minute boarders and hastily paying the porter…Mrs. Raman’s bargaining skills only got better under pressure…she was justifying why seventy rupees was very genuine for that young porter who had asked a hundred…while the train moved on…
Arti recalled this incident to her dad filling time and laughed at his jokes on her mom, nevertheless making it a point to recount it to her mom later.
**********
Mr.chaturvedi was a staunch religionist. Every ritual he practiced and every action he executed had a religious significance. He felt conscious of it. If the act lacked it, he created it symbolizing it with myth or cipher or sometimes madness. He believed that his Life comprised of Miracles and dramatized incidents from life adding significance with his commentary and expressions. He was well versed in the Upanishad’s and Geeta and this life, he felt was significant and purposeful.
The early hours of dawn saw Mr. Chaturvedi in a deep trance resounding the room with the sound of ‘Aum’ and reading out the various mantras and chants, resonating the house with a bell in one hand and a firepit(Arti) in the other, decking every idol in their room with flowers, sindhoor, chandan and finally the incense that filled the room and out so much, He felt lifted as it got difficult to breathe…Maybe this peculiar suffocation confused him to ‘being lifted..’
Cough cough…His wife coughed from the bed, ‘oh stop it’, she whined knowing full well it was of no use….whining and getting ignored was a part of the ritual…
Cough cough…it got louder
“What’s the point in all the prayer if you suffer your wife???” Mrs. Chaturvedi’s shouts were alas drowned in the flood of chants, accompanied by the bell….
He then settled for the main ritual, he went towards his much admired Aum sculpture made out of sapphire and applied all that was applicable on the glass case in which the idol rested. He had a separate light and air-conditioning for that glass case to keep the stone long-lasting and all this protection was for the main reason that no one had touch the idol. He believed that it was charged and unless touched by someone really deserving, that which he was aspiring to become through his rituals…One couldn’t touch the idol.
"The goal which all the Vedas declare, which all austerities aim at, and which men desire when they lead the life of continence … is Aum. This syllable Aum is indeed Brahman. Whosoever knows this syllable obtains all that he desires. This is the best support; this is the highest support. Whosoever knows this support is adored in the world of Brahma."
~ Katha Upanishad .
He felt elevated as he experience the stupor that was intoxicating him… the more he concentrated on those lines…The more he entered a daze.
After the main idol was done,
He now read the Upanishad’s verse repeatedly decking every Om idol in his altar with flowers and in all the process, not touching them. While the ceremony seemed to complete, Mr.s Chaturvedi was ready with the offering that they put before all the idols and Mr.Chaturvedi sprinkled water on them all, settling down to eat the offering and after he heard his own burp, he seemed satisfied and waited while Mrs chaturvedi made him Pan from beetle leaves and nuts.
Chewing Pan and dressed in his favorite attire, A silk dhoti and smearing Ash on his forehead with three of his fingers, he set out for his daily walk to meet Mr.Avadhani and discuss the weather, politics, Bangalores Traffic, Newspapers, petrol prices, today’s generation, cricket, price of beetle nuts, quality of cloves etc…
He set out in his usual way and found that the colony seemed blocked by some commotion and mourning at someone’s death in the neighborhood. wanting to avoid the sadness, the deaths air he’d catch and the bath over his head he had to take after going home, what after seeing a dead body?, He decided ‘no-no’ and traced the main roads way on the busy streets of Bangalore to Avadhanis house.
As he walked on thinking of death and the obvious fear it caused, he stopped in his tracks looking at the wall nearby, Gaping at it…anger, frustration and Rage filling him. The wall was adorned by spit marks, dried urine and waste that was right over it…and that was not all…The wall read…”plz. Do not spit or Urinate here” and had a huge ‘Aum’ painted over it! Needless to mention, religious blackmail dint seem to work what it was meant to…It only worked on Chaturvedi’s anger, rejection, disgust and what not? He stood staring while the busy Bangalore Traffic went past him, all the noise dint seem to bother him like before…he sensed something…something beyond….
**********
Goutam stood first again…He was walking back from school with Arti by his side, who ranked second and eyed him with jealous mixed admiration.
‘so, she asked…what you planning for today?…Oh wait, Mr. first has to study’…she mocked.
Goutam nodded…No not until the exams tomorrow, what’s tomorrow?, he asked an amazed Arti who was sick of this genius who dint keep track,who always kept his cool, who just came and went and always stood first. Arti was ever suspicious of what he did and that was the main reason she hanged around with him, even if the whole school linked them up.
Goutam was chilled out with the gossip and enjoyed all the attention. They also studied together so Arti couldn’t understand what is that she missed???
Life was slow…They just sat in the school grounds while Goutam rested his head on Arti’s shoulder…she shook it off rolling her eyes…he decided he would bug her later…maybe in a better mood and offered her a chewing gum…They sat chewing it, not talking much while the interval just passed…next class was Physics and moments after the physics sir entered, yet after a hundred failed attempts, they seem to doze away by his sleepy lecture and decided, they’d beg notes later and began playing bingo, hangman, Tic-tac-toe, Bollywood, Hollywood pretending to take notes and keep sleep at bay……….
The Physics teach left with a note that he’d conduct a test the coming day and this shook away the sleep from their faces.
Alas, Arti moaned…Night out!
It was 2am and Goutam texed, ‘Hai ssup?’, Arti was running around in her room, books lying open on her bead, papers thrown helter-skelter, phone under a pillow and she searched it out before replying angrily…’Dreaming about ya’….He sent a huge smiley and a few hearts .she blushed but brushed away the feeling and concentrated back on Physics.
It was 3am and Arti was on phone, as Goutam explained the principle of Logic gates though both dint seem to listen to it in class that day….
Arti was still amazed and listened on….
4am and Arti seemed to doze off…she knew what would wake her and texted Goutam, his reply was instant….again she wondered and carried on….
Hai, he catcalled from far off, while Arti waved…’All the Best’ they wished each other and sat for the test. Arti struggled through the peculiar feeling of sleep and the immense feat of pouring out all that she’s mugged up in one night… ‘First plz…atleast this time…’ This line ran in her mind! She glanced at Goutam, playing with his pen and trying to pull the hair of the girl in his front…she rolled her eyes yet again and coughed loudly…their usual code…
He turned around with a stupid grin while she just scowled….15 min more, called the invigilator and Goutam was already out waiting for Arti, whle she shuffled through her pages, checking and rechecking and came out well after time….
Goutam stood smiling and they jogged out…happy to rid the exam, discussing the paper and settled in the canteen while Arti reflected, ‘Where was this calm when I so wanted it yesterday’????.Phew, she thought, the exam went great and Goutam rested on her shoulder again…she dint mind, all this peace and calm…no mugging up, and sitting with someone who really liked you inspite of your…yes, she had to admit Attitude???
She just smiled….She wanted time to stand still, let everything pause………………………………………………………..
While she relished the sensation of being free, without duty, without responsibility, without the feeling of being answerable, without all the care’s and bothers of the world….
**********
'Auto'…she shouted, running in the rain, holding an Umbrella, not really caring to hold it in place…
There, It went right past her splashing a little mud on her… ‘calm down', she told herself…The disgusted expression on her face was free with all the mud. It is after all Nitrogen, carbon and a few bad elements that I will wash down with H2O.she consoled herself, running on the road for an auto…catching one at last and climbing in hastily…she went and stopped by their house, as her Dad hopped in with the baggage speaking angrily ‘Why did you have to shop now?’ He yelled… ‘the weathers even more pleasant’, he mocked never leaving that subtle humor even if it was yelling…and the Traffic..damn..he dint stop muttering while Arti settled and looked at her watch.5:25…too early to catch a 7 ‘o’ clock train with about 10km of travel. ‘What else can she do stop themselves from reaching so early’????.She gave up, settling to enjoy the rain and plugged in her player.
Thanks, Mr.Raman smiled at the driver and added ‘Keep the change’
6 : 00 PM and there they were…already for the 7 ‘o’ clock train…she looked up, frowning at her dad, who was slightly embarrassed for his overestimation but nevertheless heaved with pride, belly out and moustache wide….meanwhile Arti called half the population…family and friends explaining her plight, pausing only to ask if they were listening…Mr.Raman nudged her after a while, ‘The phone bill’ his look read and Arti switched to texting.
**********
Mrs.Raman yelled at her kids…’Grab the keys and lock the house’...as Arti fetched the keys and hastened to lock, she shouted ‘Wait’, ‘let me get us some cotton for our ears, we may catch a cold’ and ran in and ran out…she ran back yet again disappointing Arti while Anup just looked on…she brought some sindoor and smeared it on their heads ‘Pray the lord for a safe journey’ she said closing her eyes in prayer and pausing.. ‘Praise the Lord if we make the journey’ Arti shouted. Arti was a mere earthling bothered about daily life, traffic, time and trains…she couldn’t recall God at such times. Anup dint speak a word but shifted the luggage to the Lift at his own pace…his face read ‘what’s the point’, she’ll take her own Good time anyway….he was disappointed at the idea of leaving his Xbox for around a week and maybe dint mind missing the train.
Arti kept glancing at her watch, she couldn’t help it…5:50 and they were still nearing the station for the 6 ‘o’ clock train….Puffing and panting they reached the platform and climbed in the right coach, while the coolie followed breathless…5:57 and they stepped into the train blocking the way for other last minute boarders and hastily paying the porter…Mrs. Raman’s bargaining skills only got better under pressure…she was justifying why seventy rupees was very genuine for that young porter who had asked a hundred…while the train moved on…
Arti recalled this incident to her dad filling time and laughed at his jokes on her mom, nevertheless making it a point to recount it to her mom later.
**********
Mr.chaturvedi was a staunch religionist. Every ritual he practiced and every action he executed had a religious significance. He felt conscious of it. If the act lacked it, he created it symbolizing it with myth or cipher or sometimes madness. He believed that his Life comprised of Miracles and dramatized incidents from life adding significance with his commentary and expressions. He was well versed in the Upanishad’s and Geeta and this life, he felt was significant and purposeful.
The early hours of dawn saw Mr. Chaturvedi in a deep trance resounding the room with the sound of ‘Aum’ and reading out the various mantras and chants, resonating the house with a bell in one hand and a firepit(Arti) in the other, decking every idol in their room with flowers, sindhoor, chandan and finally the incense that filled the room and out so much, He felt lifted as it got difficult to breathe…Maybe this peculiar suffocation confused him to ‘being lifted..’
Cough cough…His wife coughed from the bed, ‘oh stop it’, she whined knowing full well it was of no use….whining and getting ignored was a part of the ritual…
Cough cough…it got louder
“What’s the point in all the prayer if you suffer your wife???” Mrs. Chaturvedi’s shouts were alas drowned in the flood of chants, accompanied by the bell….
He then settled for the main ritual, he went towards his much admired Aum sculpture made out of sapphire and applied all that was applicable on the glass case in which the idol rested. He had a separate light and air-conditioning for that glass case to keep the stone long-lasting and all this protection was for the main reason that no one had touch the idol. He believed that it was charged and unless touched by someone really deserving, that which he was aspiring to become through his rituals…One couldn’t touch the idol.
"The goal which all the Vedas declare, which all austerities aim at, and which men desire when they lead the life of continence … is Aum. This syllable Aum is indeed Brahman. Whosoever knows this syllable obtains all that he desires. This is the best support; this is the highest support. Whosoever knows this support is adored in the world of Brahma."
~ Katha Upanishad .
He felt elevated as he experience the stupor that was intoxicating him… the more he concentrated on those lines…The more he entered a daze.
After the main idol was done,
He now read the Upanishad’s verse repeatedly decking every Om idol in his altar with flowers and in all the process, not touching them. While the ceremony seemed to complete, Mr.s Chaturvedi was ready with the offering that they put before all the idols and Mr.Chaturvedi sprinkled water on them all, settling down to eat the offering and after he heard his own burp, he seemed satisfied and waited while Mrs chaturvedi made him Pan from beetle leaves and nuts.
Chewing Pan and dressed in his favorite attire, A silk dhoti and smearing Ash on his forehead with three of his fingers, he set out for his daily walk to meet Mr.Avadhani and discuss the weather, politics, Bangalores Traffic, Newspapers, petrol prices, today’s generation, cricket, price of beetle nuts, quality of cloves etc…
He set out in his usual way and found that the colony seemed blocked by some commotion and mourning at someone’s death in the neighborhood. wanting to avoid the sadness, the deaths air he’d catch and the bath over his head he had to take after going home, what after seeing a dead body?, He decided ‘no-no’ and traced the main roads way on the busy streets of Bangalore to Avadhanis house.
As he walked on thinking of death and the obvious fear it caused, he stopped in his tracks looking at the wall nearby, Gaping at it…anger, frustration and Rage filling him. The wall was adorned by spit marks, dried urine and waste that was right over it…and that was not all…The wall read…”plz. Do not spit or Urinate here” and had a huge ‘Aum’ painted over it! Needless to mention, religious blackmail dint seem to work what it was meant to…It only worked on Chaturvedi’s anger, rejection, disgust and what not? He stood staring while the busy Bangalore Traffic went past him, all the noise dint seem to bother him like before…he sensed something…something beyond….
**********
Goutam stood first again…He was walking back from school with Arti by his side, who ranked second and eyed him with jealous mixed admiration.
‘so, she asked…what you planning for today?…Oh wait, Mr. first has to study’…she mocked.
Goutam nodded…No not until the exams tomorrow, what’s tomorrow?, he asked an amazed Arti who was sick of this genius who dint keep track,who always kept his cool, who just came and went and always stood first. Arti was ever suspicious of what he did and that was the main reason she hanged around with him, even if the whole school linked them up.
Goutam was chilled out with the gossip and enjoyed all the attention. They also studied together so Arti couldn’t understand what is that she missed???
Life was slow…They just sat in the school grounds while Goutam rested his head on Arti’s shoulder…she shook it off rolling her eyes…he decided he would bug her later…maybe in a better mood and offered her a chewing gum…They sat chewing it, not talking much while the interval just passed…next class was Physics and moments after the physics sir entered, yet after a hundred failed attempts, they seem to doze away by his sleepy lecture and decided, they’d beg notes later and began playing bingo, hangman, Tic-tac-toe, Bollywood, Hollywood pretending to take notes and keep sleep at bay……….
The Physics teach left with a note that he’d conduct a test the coming day and this shook away the sleep from their faces.
Alas, Arti moaned…Night out!
It was 2am and Goutam texed, ‘Hai ssup?’, Arti was running around in her room, books lying open on her bead, papers thrown helter-skelter, phone under a pillow and she searched it out before replying angrily…’Dreaming about ya’….He sent a huge smiley and a few hearts .she blushed but brushed away the feeling and concentrated back on Physics.
It was 3am and Arti was on phone, as Goutam explained the principle of Logic gates though both dint seem to listen to it in class that day….
Arti was still amazed and listened on….
4am and Arti seemed to doze off…she knew what would wake her and texted Goutam, his reply was instant….again she wondered and carried on….
Hai, he catcalled from far off, while Arti waved…’All the Best’ they wished each other and sat for the test. Arti struggled through the peculiar feeling of sleep and the immense feat of pouring out all that she’s mugged up in one night… ‘First plz…atleast this time…’ This line ran in her mind! She glanced at Goutam, playing with his pen and trying to pull the hair of the girl in his front…she rolled her eyes yet again and coughed loudly…their usual code…
He turned around with a stupid grin while she just scowled….15 min more, called the invigilator and Goutam was already out waiting for Arti, whle she shuffled through her pages, checking and rechecking and came out well after time….
Goutam stood smiling and they jogged out…happy to rid the exam, discussing the paper and settled in the canteen while Arti reflected, ‘Where was this calm when I so wanted it yesterday’????.Phew, she thought, the exam went great and Goutam rested on her shoulder again…she dint mind, all this peace and calm…no mugging up, and sitting with someone who really liked you inspite of your…yes, she had to admit Attitude???
She just smiled….She wanted time to stand still, let everything pause………………………………………………………..
While she relished the sensation of being free, without duty, without responsibility, without the feeling of being answerable, without all the care’s and bothers of the world….
**********
Monday, August 16, 2010
Of course you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe you can sit where you’re sitting before this screen and wonder all that’s about and around You and wonder and wonder and keep wondering….Can you believe the fact that we can play with words…mere alphabets we have memorized and we’re bringing meaning in…what not? We’re bringing Science, Religion, Poetry, Madness, Imagination…I’m even trying to explain what I’m explaining with what I’m explaining. Can You believe that these series of dots put together at some time, take a shape willing to express anything you want…. can you believe, you’ve tuned your mind to think in your language, feel in your dialect and bring it out along with the correct spelling, expression and punctuation. Can you believe, this is called education…This learning, partly subconscious and partly conscious…has taken years of your lifetime, childhood, most of your school life which otherwise I bet you, You wouldn’t even have dreamt about it…..Can you believe these alphabets You are using to generate feelings, create emotions…Can You believe, that a few alphabets together and you are able to cause Love, pain and hatred and sometimes new and peculiar feelings in the person you desire…Can you believe that these alphabets are connecting people far off across the globe, with technology aided…Can you believe these mere alphabets are more branded than Tommy or Reebok…No imitation possible whatsoever and it’s the damned same all around the world…Every person with the ability to read and write, what we call literate is able to commute with the same alphabets….so branded, globalised, Internationalized, so coool………….Can you believe, all this started out with a sing song in your PP’s where you read the alphabets and saw pictures to remember them…Can you belive you’ve trained your mind enough and far from when pics formed first and the word later to… listen to the words, see the text and then imagine the picture….Can you belive you can now follow these multipath and not feel any endeavor.. can you believe you can shift and use parts of your mind the way you want... and with this immense education that’s so hyped about, you are not never taught to balance your sides….Can you believe, that your physical actions actually help enhance the respective sides of the brain and this interconnection is not taught but we memorize every country and continents Map(Todays education, they do). Can you believe we’ve leant to use the alphabet to describe this drained out feeling…after your saying something and dunno where its leading to…Can u believe, your subconscious somehow relates this to life…can you believe that what you’re doing, learning will give you what you want?, that happiness and joy…Can you believe in what u find happiness??? Can you believe that the path your seeking right now is correct? Can you believe that this existence, this breath, this provision, this education, this time it takes for it all…This birth has a purpose???Can you believe mere alphabets have made an irregular pattern of thought leading me nowhere…can u believe your subconscious always ends in what you want??Can you believe that to bring order from this chaos…there has to be a pause…………..
Friday, August 13, 2010
His Art...His Life...
He wanted to capture that ‘breathtaking beauty’. It was his imagination, delusion but it was certainly there…he sat down to sketch, fidgeting in his chair, elbows on the table until he got that correct comfortable position. It was past midnight and the only sound was his own breath and a queer sound that always accompanied darkness… ‘That led the blind to their destination, that which could answer your queries only if you listened while it answered…’ This, he often wondered, if his ears already held in them, like Inertia of sound…all the sound couldn’t really be shut at once and the leftovers were not without use…
The toes formed…tender and feminine. He began shading the right parts near the nails…This monotonous act got him thinking while his subconscious was absorbed shading…at times he thought of the outcome, the finale, the masterpiece completed…this alone gave him the purpose to stay put…only while he knew that every dot, every stroke, every shade, every movement, every blink of his eye brought a new perspective to examine and perfect it until he fell in love with his art more and more. At times, the very thought of how those subtle nuances could bring in more life was refreshing…This thought was an elixir to his life and art, quite synonymic now.
This delusion was demanding more life from him this time, he was being lost in a flood of feelings as this work of art took shape…Now he longed to see that girl, who played with his senses, she controlled his emotions and yet he loved her…he began to get a queer sensation that she was watching him sketch…he felt silly, but nonetheless assayed hard to make it impeccable.
He dispute whether or not to sketch a necklace and decided he wanted a slight chain, almost like it wasn’t there and got distinct only if one looked on… with a loud locket that fell down onto her bosom. As he got to her lips, he felt a deep ache, he deciphered its cause was to see it ending …The joy was to conclude.
He was quick with the nose, proper position, a deep breath and a quick stroke…Lo…you could believe it had a perfect bone and muscle behind it!
Dawn broke and she was almost there, only her hair needed shading and he accomplished it patiently, feeling burnt with ecstasy…he paused by every stroke, only to review and relish the feeling.
As she came by, he felt endless stripping pain…a low and flashy feeling in his stomach…
He looked into her eyes and the pain deepened…he only looked on…sighing with longing, she was his masterpiece, his own, his Life and the more he finished it, the more he seemed to lose himself…to what? It’s a mere sketch…This thought never crossed his mind. Far from reality and letting the madness rule, he never once felt it was a sketch…a play of his pencil… a piece of wood, graphite, wax and calcium carbonate and to ice the cake, his imagination????
The doorbell brought him back from wherever he was…maybe from the world of art and its elation… his very breath and Love… ‘Breath and love’, he reflected…what else would you want to survive??? He stared at the girl an knew he was in love… he was looking at the love of his life…smilingly, he got up to push his chair back an carried that smile to the door…later wishing he dint make such a bad impression, but there he was watching open mouthed, gawking at the figure whose one hand was playing with a chain and another caught a newspaper picked from the doorstep and said “Er…Hai…I’m Synthia…I moved into the neighborhood right yesterday, can I borrow the newspaper?”
The toes formed…tender and feminine. He began shading the right parts near the nails…This monotonous act got him thinking while his subconscious was absorbed shading…at times he thought of the outcome, the finale, the masterpiece completed…this alone gave him the purpose to stay put…only while he knew that every dot, every stroke, every shade, every movement, every blink of his eye brought a new perspective to examine and perfect it until he fell in love with his art more and more. At times, the very thought of how those subtle nuances could bring in more life was refreshing…This thought was an elixir to his life and art, quite synonymic now.
This delusion was demanding more life from him this time, he was being lost in a flood of feelings as this work of art took shape…Now he longed to see that girl, who played with his senses, she controlled his emotions and yet he loved her…he began to get a queer sensation that she was watching him sketch…he felt silly, but nonetheless assayed hard to make it impeccable.
He dispute whether or not to sketch a necklace and decided he wanted a slight chain, almost like it wasn’t there and got distinct only if one looked on… with a loud locket that fell down onto her bosom. As he got to her lips, he felt a deep ache, he deciphered its cause was to see it ending …The joy was to conclude.
He was quick with the nose, proper position, a deep breath and a quick stroke…Lo…you could believe it had a perfect bone and muscle behind it!
Dawn broke and she was almost there, only her hair needed shading and he accomplished it patiently, feeling burnt with ecstasy…he paused by every stroke, only to review and relish the feeling.
As she came by, he felt endless stripping pain…a low and flashy feeling in his stomach…
He looked into her eyes and the pain deepened…he only looked on…sighing with longing, she was his masterpiece, his own, his Life and the more he finished it, the more he seemed to lose himself…to what? It’s a mere sketch…This thought never crossed his mind. Far from reality and letting the madness rule, he never once felt it was a sketch…a play of his pencil… a piece of wood, graphite, wax and calcium carbonate and to ice the cake, his imagination????
The doorbell brought him back from wherever he was…maybe from the world of art and its elation… his very breath and Love… ‘Breath and love’, he reflected…what else would you want to survive??? He stared at the girl an knew he was in love… he was looking at the love of his life…smilingly, he got up to push his chair back an carried that smile to the door…later wishing he dint make such a bad impression, but there he was watching open mouthed, gawking at the figure whose one hand was playing with a chain and another caught a newspaper picked from the doorstep and said “Er…Hai…I’m Synthia…I moved into the neighborhood right yesterday, can I borrow the newspaper?”
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Love with Faults?
Man makes mistakes. Man is born to err. Nobody is a perfectionist. We all know people whom we might really admire, who are an Inspiration to us, who are the 'Best possible'...Yet, It doesn’t leave them from erring. Ironically, there is no excuse for a mistake. 'Everybody Makes Mistakes’; 'To err is human'.
All of us know people around...friends, teachers, family whomever we might really have a high regard for, but they have a darker side to them too...because of that 'One mistake', error, and bug in their perfect programming. Gossip goes on about all, bad talk, bad instances... everybody has a small "blot", which thankfully might not be clear or distinct in some lives but in some it is!
As we analyze a character, not all people find him/her Good. You might have a friend you really like, good to you but he/she is not a great companion to your other friend. That doesn’t make him an enemy to you. Hence, at various perspectives, everybody is good and Bad, Great and worse and so on...
Man shows his 'n' dimensions on Earth. These 'n' dimensions are received by 'n' different people in 'n' different ways and no man is not without striking a chord in some or the other life, not without being good to somebody as much as he might err.
There are places where 'you' being not so good to somebody doesn't stop them from loving you. Maybe its pity that’s shaping into love, maybe concern, Maybe their own virtue...But your faults truly don’t matter to some. There are so many relations where things don’t turn out the right way, Where mistakes are already made...They are Relations still and do withhold Love. In the complex knitting of this peculiar fabric where holes and cross-stitches are a part, Love is well embedded. All of us know people, so close to us who 'might not be doing it just right', yet you love them. We have friends who might have hurt you at one point, whom you have hurt...What’s the result? We discover each other’s weaknesses’ and that is not all...Knowingly or unknowingly...Subconsciously, We tend to protect them, prevent them from erring.
"Love with faults”. Maybe this was what it meant, to see through ones faults and not vacate that small place they might have occupied in your heart...Look through and let Go...But don’t judge too soon...Don’t hurt too soon...This was what it meant? Maybe...All those people trying to live in prisons for Crimes they have committed and not have, All those people who are facing 'Life sentence' for once committed Atrocities, Who if given a chance might change...All those people who have become Social outcasts, Like fighting a Life taking disease like AIDS is not enough?, All those Trans and Homosexuals who have ventured anti-nature and seek Natures, Mankind’s acceptance...Can’t we love them because they have blundered??? Can’t we accept them for that one act which after its consequences, we decided to call it a ‘Mistake’?
Loving is a process, A practice and a habit...You love somebody daily, It cannot wane with time, it’s not an emotion, it’s an old habit which will die hard and is accompanied by many emotions. Not having someone perfect doesn’t lessen your love. ‘Love has to be perfect’. As you think on these lines, you might be amazed at how many people you know around you who are not so perfect and yet that can’t stop you from loving them. In this habit of loving, one cannot find fault, one cannot let their close ones err...and yet can totally accept if nature plans to add spice to a perfect life with a small mistake and all that which follows...Realisation, Remorse, and Relief!!!
All of us know people around...friends, teachers, family whomever we might really have a high regard for, but they have a darker side to them too...because of that 'One mistake', error, and bug in their perfect programming. Gossip goes on about all, bad talk, bad instances... everybody has a small "blot", which thankfully might not be clear or distinct in some lives but in some it is!
As we analyze a character, not all people find him/her Good. You might have a friend you really like, good to you but he/she is not a great companion to your other friend. That doesn’t make him an enemy to you. Hence, at various perspectives, everybody is good and Bad, Great and worse and so on...
Man shows his 'n' dimensions on Earth. These 'n' dimensions are received by 'n' different people in 'n' different ways and no man is not without striking a chord in some or the other life, not without being good to somebody as much as he might err.
There are places where 'you' being not so good to somebody doesn't stop them from loving you. Maybe its pity that’s shaping into love, maybe concern, Maybe their own virtue...But your faults truly don’t matter to some. There are so many relations where things don’t turn out the right way, Where mistakes are already made...They are Relations still and do withhold Love. In the complex knitting of this peculiar fabric where holes and cross-stitches are a part, Love is well embedded. All of us know people, so close to us who 'might not be doing it just right', yet you love them. We have friends who might have hurt you at one point, whom you have hurt...What’s the result? We discover each other’s weaknesses’ and that is not all...Knowingly or unknowingly...Subconsciously, We tend to protect them, prevent them from erring.
"Love with faults”. Maybe this was what it meant, to see through ones faults and not vacate that small place they might have occupied in your heart...Look through and let Go...But don’t judge too soon...Don’t hurt too soon...This was what it meant? Maybe...All those people trying to live in prisons for Crimes they have committed and not have, All those people who are facing 'Life sentence' for once committed Atrocities, Who if given a chance might change...All those people who have become Social outcasts, Like fighting a Life taking disease like AIDS is not enough?, All those Trans and Homosexuals who have ventured anti-nature and seek Natures, Mankind’s acceptance...Can’t we love them because they have blundered??? Can’t we accept them for that one act which after its consequences, we decided to call it a ‘Mistake’?
Loving is a process, A practice and a habit...You love somebody daily, It cannot wane with time, it’s not an emotion, it’s an old habit which will die hard and is accompanied by many emotions. Not having someone perfect doesn’t lessen your love. ‘Love has to be perfect’. As you think on these lines, you might be amazed at how many people you know around you who are not so perfect and yet that can’t stop you from loving them. In this habit of loving, one cannot find fault, one cannot let their close ones err...and yet can totally accept if nature plans to add spice to a perfect life with a small mistake and all that which follows...Realisation, Remorse, and Relief!!!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Genes as Boons!
These blurs in the mind's eye...These shapes that formed and vanished... These thoughts that could leave an impact,If only she remembered later...she felt the creative spurt...It was these times when she couldn't sleep, She felt anxious, tensed, restless...she felt that these were the times she was most Conscious, The time when she could sense "Life”. When that burning something...Maybe Zeal got her to do the right 'something’. Something she knew was going to be of great consequence...at least to her Conscious. These thoughts of distinct abstractedness formed some pictures in her mind...coloured and numbered...Five was blue, seven was yellow, Nine was indigo..."Sleep...".she shouted at the walls, You have to practice Math early in the morning....This thought gave her Goosebumps!
After successfully losing the Battle, She got up to get her violin and sat down to play what was going in her mind...It helped her concentrate. Her otherwise wavering mind found it difficult to focus on one thought. she was singing a tune in her mind while the shapes formed simultaneously....'No'....she told herself, 'Don’t come'!...she knew she had to play the violin or they won’t go...she played on and yet they came, She soon realised that she played as they came...She followed that pattern and that produced a divine sound from her violin she dint learn anywhere. Amazed at her discovery, she let the Images blur in her mind as the music took shape...This was the very feeling she felt....That something this good was always brewing and now it spilled all of a sudden.This was the feeling she had for all these years...This abstractedness needed a synchronisation.This she could now draw in her Music.These Random thoughts that disturbed her all these years were being useful now.But still...It was not in her control.
She got up early next morning, wanting to Revise for the Math test at school and she looked at her text book. the numbers confused her. As she looked at the solved examples, Nine was Indigo again, Seven was yellow and Blue's were Five and so on...This duality perplexed her. She concentrated still, struggling harder and ordering herself not to get Diverted by the colour or she'd flunk the test. This was too much to focus for a thirteen year old...It soon gave her a headache; she continued still...struggling nevertheless. She felt like she would Puke away. What with sleeping that less? Math tests scared her to death and gave her sleepless nights. She managed to remain a good student until she began mastering the violin. The school counsellor called the violin a distraction and cut her violin lessons. This made her even more restless and fluctuating, Even Mad...so she stopped complaining. She learned to bear the pain and manage to fair ok... but yesterday was one of those days when she felt she must play the violin or she'd die...
Analyse the above pie-chart and draw a bar graph...the question ran,Ah....This is easy, she thought and began drawing the axes.then she thought over taking the Intervels...multiples of five would be good,she thought and wrote them down on the Y-axes.Five was blue and ten was orange and this formed a beautiful pattern as she drew...she wanted to play the pattern on her violin,The patterns started forming again....The pain in trying to control the colours and the beautiful regular pattern of the five table was too much.She stared with her mouth open as she Let this beauty sink into the depths of her minds eye.The View was stunning and as she tried to concentrate back on the Graph,she fainted... not having her breakfast and with no proper sleep...
"This is a rare and interesting case....".she found herself lying on the white hospital sheets with the peculiar tincture smell reaching her nose simultaneously forming patterns in her mind...but not arousing her to play.she lay there, too weak to open her eyes and listening.
‘It’s a rare Gift’, The doc spoke....Very few people have it, he told her anxious parents. ‘Her senses are mixed...he went on...It’s what we call "Synasthesia". A common syndrome but in her case came a little more severe...As the numbers gave her colour, smell formed patterns....these senses were harmoniously symphonising and this confusion gave her an urge, and wanting to organise them the only way she knew, she felt stimulated to play the violin...To play and clear it off',he explained, marvelling at his own understanding and knew this would earn him a Doctorate. 'This way, she found a way to cure herself and keep herself sane’....The doc continued...This syndrome was genetic due to a Mutant gene and though common in creative people, It was mostly ignored as the person eventually learned to manage and distinguish the multiple senses. It was not without some pain....But this girl felt it even more because of the notes that danced in her mind. This friction among the senses could only temporarily clear while she played... so she played and healed...
She lay there hearing all this as she read the words "Synasthesia" again and again in her mind. She was grateful to her Music in helping her retaining her sanity all this while and knew she had to play on to cure it. she knew It was a syndrome so she would soon train to control each of the synapses and harmonise them from disturbing her daily activity and learning, especially Math. She knew that this syndrome was a boon as she could make wonderful music she later amazed at...as no normal person with that mere learning as she had, could make it!!!
But she wouldn't remember after It was over...after she subconsciousely played it???Or will she now????she only hoped she would lying there and wanting to be affected by this syndrome,Thanks to her genes....she thought!!!
After successfully losing the Battle, She got up to get her violin and sat down to play what was going in her mind...It helped her concentrate. Her otherwise wavering mind found it difficult to focus on one thought. she was singing a tune in her mind while the shapes formed simultaneously....'No'....she told herself, 'Don’t come'!...she knew she had to play the violin or they won’t go...she played on and yet they came, She soon realised that she played as they came...She followed that pattern and that produced a divine sound from her violin she dint learn anywhere. Amazed at her discovery, she let the Images blur in her mind as the music took shape...This was the very feeling she felt....That something this good was always brewing and now it spilled all of a sudden.This was the feeling she had for all these years...This abstractedness needed a synchronisation.This she could now draw in her Music.These Random thoughts that disturbed her all these years were being useful now.But still...It was not in her control.
She got up early next morning, wanting to Revise for the Math test at school and she looked at her text book. the numbers confused her. As she looked at the solved examples, Nine was Indigo again, Seven was yellow and Blue's were Five and so on...This duality perplexed her. She concentrated still, struggling harder and ordering herself not to get Diverted by the colour or she'd flunk the test. This was too much to focus for a thirteen year old...It soon gave her a headache; she continued still...struggling nevertheless. She felt like she would Puke away. What with sleeping that less? Math tests scared her to death and gave her sleepless nights. She managed to remain a good student until she began mastering the violin. The school counsellor called the violin a distraction and cut her violin lessons. This made her even more restless and fluctuating, Even Mad...so she stopped complaining. She learned to bear the pain and manage to fair ok... but yesterday was one of those days when she felt she must play the violin or she'd die...
Analyse the above pie-chart and draw a bar graph...the question ran,Ah....This is easy, she thought and began drawing the axes.then she thought over taking the Intervels...multiples of five would be good,she thought and wrote them down on the Y-axes.Five was blue and ten was orange and this formed a beautiful pattern as she drew...she wanted to play the pattern on her violin,The patterns started forming again....The pain in trying to control the colours and the beautiful regular pattern of the five table was too much.She stared with her mouth open as she Let this beauty sink into the depths of her minds eye.The View was stunning and as she tried to concentrate back on the Graph,she fainted... not having her breakfast and with no proper sleep...
"This is a rare and interesting case....".she found herself lying on the white hospital sheets with the peculiar tincture smell reaching her nose simultaneously forming patterns in her mind...but not arousing her to play.she lay there, too weak to open her eyes and listening.
‘It’s a rare Gift’, The doc spoke....Very few people have it, he told her anxious parents. ‘Her senses are mixed...he went on...It’s what we call "Synasthesia". A common syndrome but in her case came a little more severe...As the numbers gave her colour, smell formed patterns....these senses were harmoniously symphonising and this confusion gave her an urge, and wanting to organise them the only way she knew, she felt stimulated to play the violin...To play and clear it off',he explained, marvelling at his own understanding and knew this would earn him a Doctorate. 'This way, she found a way to cure herself and keep herself sane’....The doc continued...This syndrome was genetic due to a Mutant gene and though common in creative people, It was mostly ignored as the person eventually learned to manage and distinguish the multiple senses. It was not without some pain....But this girl felt it even more because of the notes that danced in her mind. This friction among the senses could only temporarily clear while she played... so she played and healed...
She lay there hearing all this as she read the words "Synasthesia" again and again in her mind. She was grateful to her Music in helping her retaining her sanity all this while and knew she had to play on to cure it. she knew It was a syndrome so she would soon train to control each of the synapses and harmonise them from disturbing her daily activity and learning, especially Math. She knew that this syndrome was a boon as she could make wonderful music she later amazed at...as no normal person with that mere learning as she had, could make it!!!
But she wouldn't remember after It was over...after she subconsciousely played it???Or will she now????she only hoped she would lying there and wanting to be affected by this syndrome,Thanks to her genes....she thought!!!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Hope and Love
Mr.Raghavan stormed into the house, weary and tired, dropping down his suitcase...his sister followed,an old lady in her mid-sixties,with gray hair marking her age and a stern expression she proudly wore...she was a natural with that!
Soon on entering...he looked at his wife and grunted "Wer'e hungry,now serve..." and sat at the table like a hungry wolf.His sister followed suite,heaving with pride for her brother's so called command,Manliness and hold over the house.
His wife looked at them,hiding her surprise because they did not tell her they would come.As timid as she was,who after fifteen years of marriage,trained so much in adversity knew exactly where this was leading, put up her false courage which was 'for the moment' because after It was over she was sure to breakdown and cry.She belived whatever it was,'It were better come out than go in'.she dint restrain to stop her tears...she knew,either way it made no difference.
"Its not cooked yet,You have to wait..." she replied and greeted her sis-in-law very politely offering her water while they waited and ran inside to speed up the cooker,her husband followed her into the kitchen opening the lid of every dish and viewing to find fault.
Mrs.Raghavan turned to her husband and knowing pretty well she was going to fight a lost battle,took a deep breath and began...'couldnt you call when you were just on the way so I would put the food ready,Isn't this the 21st century?and why couldnt you tell me your sis was coming along too?'she asked in a polite singsong way...The effect was same anyways...To this whisper,he shouted a reply only to make sure his sis would listen and the fuss would take shape...
"Aha,Look now...I knew it sis,She doesnt like cooking for my family,she cant stand my family at all"..."Can you"?he asked his wife,who by now was in tears of shock,nodded her head in disbelief and left to cut the lemons,the tears clouding her view and complicating things furthermore.
At the same time,their daughter 'Avanthi' came out from her room after having a long conversation with an old pal and reviving memories...She saw her dad and said 'Hi,dad and looking at her aunt tried to smile....atleast something like that,but she couldnt.Sensing the tense mood,she put away...That was the best thing to do,she learned from past experience and joined her mom in the kitchen,grabbing a few tomatoes and a knife.She caught her moms eye and raised her eyebrows?'Why is she here?did he tell you?'.her mom nodded "No" and the rest was understood by Avanthi.
'Ya,dad should have called' she thought placing the dishes on the table and reflected on how the mans ego won all the time.These rifts were common in the house but the battle was not meant to be fair,not meant to be won...The winner was already declared,she nodded subconsciously at her dad...he only played his part again and again...while Avanthi's thoughts thus formed her eyes absorbed the whole scene...her mom was speaking through sobs that she had extra hours to work at the office that day,so she couldnt cook sooner.To this he replied 'then leave it,Leave your damned job and fulfill your duty like a wife...You want a name for yourself,Dont I earn enough'?,he shouted...Now,that was foolish thought Avanthi and frowned,and saw her aunt observing her every reaction from the corner of her eye.she went to fetch more curd from the fridge as they finished and left to watch TV.
She left to her room and thoght how they had to swing along with his mood.It was no house,she thought...It was a war camp,sense the enemy and act...as these thoughts took shape,It suddenly hit her how she was developing loathing for her dad,who did love them once upon a time,who still financed her education,asked about school,who sometimes tried to fill the gap...gap...That was the problem,Communication gap,Gap from showing love,Gap from showing he cared...
this realisation struck another chord..."Mom"!
In due course,after the storm subsided,she went to her mom to console her as she always did...
Oh Cmo'n,she told her "that Man and his damned sis cannot ruin anything for us" was what was formed in her mind,but knowing better reframed it to"Dad's got the temper mom,You've got to take it smooth...".She analysed that the sentence still supported her dad and knowing It was the best went consoling her...remembering the time when her Dad had actually hit her mom and Avanthi,fuming with anger called him a jerk.her mom's reaction was totally unexpected for 'Slap' came her hand fresh on Avanthi's cheek.It was difficult to percive Avanthi's feelings at that time.She couldnt decide if she hated her dad more for hitting mom or mom for this 'special treatment' when she meant to fight for justice,cheer her mom and boost her morale...
Avanthi stood flabbergasted with a hand on her cheek trying to grasp the reality while her mom said in a stern tone "Dare not speak of my husband like that,how can you disrespect him?do you realise he's your dad?Its my problem,dont bother"....she retorted.Such instances made Avanthi wonder what was that driving force in her mom that made her bear all this.As she thought about all this,she consoled her mom chosing the right words for howmanyth time???she lost track.
Avanthi built up her lines and courage and continued..."Mom,I dont know how your'e putting it up,If I were you,I'd..."
her mom understood and replied...'look child,If I want it,i can divorce him in minutes,seconds...no big deal...I know you'll come along too...and then what??'she asked.'What have I won?couldnt I keep up my own family?moreover,Whom does he have to be loved?youre dad?just us....his sis will only take control,He cannot live without me...she said shuddering at the thought and went by to make buttermilk for her dad.
Avanthi looked at the pair of them and repeatedly thought over the lines...specially "Whom does he have to be loved"?and "what have I won"?Such was her love for her husband,she thought...as she thought over and over,she could only admire her mom more and more....It was her decision,she thought,she chose to suffer...but dint suffer,she wanted it.She wanted to keep up the family,The system,The setup and the sacred feeling of marriage...she found anything tolerable for this...anything untill he cheated on her,at this Avanthi stopped and nodded 'No other woman can put up this personality'she thought with a slight smile.
She only wished her dad would realise how much his wife cared and showed his gratitude sometime...and lying back on her bed,she knew this was exactly the same hope that made her mom cling on...only she called it love,because either way,even if her dad would not realise in this Life and ever after,she would still care for him,Love him and serve him....
This was how most Indian families were...Avanthi reharsed in her mind,There was pain,Sacrifice,Compromise from the women.They could put up anything from their husbands.So docile and patient,They were not quick to get angry,quick to react and regret...They just let it go...They only stuck to the traditional family style...this attitude amazed Avanthi as she lay there lost in thought............
Soon on entering...he looked at his wife and grunted "Wer'e hungry,now serve..." and sat at the table like a hungry wolf.His sister followed suite,heaving with pride for her brother's so called command,Manliness and hold over the house.
His wife looked at them,hiding her surprise because they did not tell her they would come.As timid as she was,who after fifteen years of marriage,trained so much in adversity knew exactly where this was leading, put up her false courage which was 'for the moment' because after It was over she was sure to breakdown and cry.She belived whatever it was,'It were better come out than go in'.she dint restrain to stop her tears...she knew,either way it made no difference.
"Its not cooked yet,You have to wait..." she replied and greeted her sis-in-law very politely offering her water while they waited and ran inside to speed up the cooker,her husband followed her into the kitchen opening the lid of every dish and viewing to find fault.
Mrs.Raghavan turned to her husband and knowing pretty well she was going to fight a lost battle,took a deep breath and began...'couldnt you call when you were just on the way so I would put the food ready,Isn't this the 21st century?and why couldnt you tell me your sis was coming along too?'she asked in a polite singsong way...The effect was same anyways...To this whisper,he shouted a reply only to make sure his sis would listen and the fuss would take shape...
"Aha,Look now...I knew it sis,She doesnt like cooking for my family,she cant stand my family at all"..."Can you"?he asked his wife,who by now was in tears of shock,nodded her head in disbelief and left to cut the lemons,the tears clouding her view and complicating things furthermore.
At the same time,their daughter 'Avanthi' came out from her room after having a long conversation with an old pal and reviving memories...She saw her dad and said 'Hi,dad and looking at her aunt tried to smile....atleast something like that,but she couldnt.Sensing the tense mood,she put away...That was the best thing to do,she learned from past experience and joined her mom in the kitchen,grabbing a few tomatoes and a knife.She caught her moms eye and raised her eyebrows?'Why is she here?did he tell you?'.her mom nodded "No" and the rest was understood by Avanthi.
'Ya,dad should have called' she thought placing the dishes on the table and reflected on how the mans ego won all the time.These rifts were common in the house but the battle was not meant to be fair,not meant to be won...The winner was already declared,she nodded subconsciously at her dad...he only played his part again and again...while Avanthi's thoughts thus formed her eyes absorbed the whole scene...her mom was speaking through sobs that she had extra hours to work at the office that day,so she couldnt cook sooner.To this he replied 'then leave it,Leave your damned job and fulfill your duty like a wife...You want a name for yourself,Dont I earn enough'?,he shouted...Now,that was foolish thought Avanthi and frowned,and saw her aunt observing her every reaction from the corner of her eye.she went to fetch more curd from the fridge as they finished and left to watch TV.
She left to her room and thoght how they had to swing along with his mood.It was no house,she thought...It was a war camp,sense the enemy and act...as these thoughts took shape,It suddenly hit her how she was developing loathing for her dad,who did love them once upon a time,who still financed her education,asked about school,who sometimes tried to fill the gap...gap...That was the problem,Communication gap,Gap from showing love,Gap from showing he cared...
this realisation struck another chord..."Mom"!
In due course,after the storm subsided,she went to her mom to console her as she always did...
Oh Cmo'n,she told her "that Man and his damned sis cannot ruin anything for us" was what was formed in her mind,but knowing better reframed it to"Dad's got the temper mom,You've got to take it smooth...".She analysed that the sentence still supported her dad and knowing It was the best went consoling her...remembering the time when her Dad had actually hit her mom and Avanthi,fuming with anger called him a jerk.her mom's reaction was totally unexpected for 'Slap' came her hand fresh on Avanthi's cheek.It was difficult to percive Avanthi's feelings at that time.She couldnt decide if she hated her dad more for hitting mom or mom for this 'special treatment' when she meant to fight for justice,cheer her mom and boost her morale...
Avanthi stood flabbergasted with a hand on her cheek trying to grasp the reality while her mom said in a stern tone "Dare not speak of my husband like that,how can you disrespect him?do you realise he's your dad?Its my problem,dont bother"....she retorted.Such instances made Avanthi wonder what was that driving force in her mom that made her bear all this.As she thought about all this,she consoled her mom chosing the right words for howmanyth time???she lost track.
Avanthi built up her lines and courage and continued..."Mom,I dont know how your'e putting it up,If I were you,I'd..."
her mom understood and replied...'look child,If I want it,i can divorce him in minutes,seconds...no big deal...I know you'll come along too...and then what??'she asked.'What have I won?couldnt I keep up my own family?moreover,Whom does he have to be loved?youre dad?just us....his sis will only take control,He cannot live without me...she said shuddering at the thought and went by to make buttermilk for her dad.
Avanthi looked at the pair of them and repeatedly thought over the lines...specially "Whom does he have to be loved"?and "what have I won"?Such was her love for her husband,she thought...as she thought over and over,she could only admire her mom more and more....It was her decision,she thought,she chose to suffer...but dint suffer,she wanted it.She wanted to keep up the family,The system,The setup and the sacred feeling of marriage...she found anything tolerable for this...anything untill he cheated on her,at this Avanthi stopped and nodded 'No other woman can put up this personality'she thought with a slight smile.
She only wished her dad would realise how much his wife cared and showed his gratitude sometime...and lying back on her bed,she knew this was exactly the same hope that made her mom cling on...only she called it love,because either way,even if her dad would not realise in this Life and ever after,she would still care for him,Love him and serve him....
This was how most Indian families were...Avanthi reharsed in her mind,There was pain,Sacrifice,Compromise from the women.They could put up anything from their husbands.So docile and patient,They were not quick to get angry,quick to react and regret...They just let it go...They only stuck to the traditional family style...this attitude amazed Avanthi as she lay there lost in thought............
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Luck?!
He was my favourite...I made sure I passed by that lane atleast once in three days and that made us both happy.
I liked to give him whatever my hand could feel."It was his luck",I told myself and the fact that it depended on me was rejoicing.
Clunk...Clunk...My hands touched a five rupee coin...I gave it to him.He smiled and raised his hand in a blessing gesture and I left.
This became a frequent practice which formed a small part of his humbler income,a reason for me to smile and the fact that I could control a tiny weeny bit of his emotions was hugely satisfying.This,I reflected felt Godlike in me and realising the ego getting over my head,washed away the thought.
My li'l time with my favourite never got stereotypical for I noted his every reaction and mine that formed simultaneousely...
At times,when my hands touched a rupee,I would feel bad..."Tough luck",I would murmur as I gave it to him,nevertheless adding another two rupees on seeing his reaction.
Now,That was cheating I told myself and laughed...But It couldn't be helped,I so Liked him...poor,Withered,lonely and too fragile to find work...
It was then I started wondering If Luck really existed.If my God looked upon me and gave me whatever I required on a random basis...The randomness would eventually fall in place...When I might have tough times coping up with life,When I felt weak,Lonely or fragile...God would consider..."Let her have it"!It had to be so or it wouldnt satisfy the way I was taught to see God...He cared endlessly,eternal love was what I would get for Loving him and beliving in him.That belief could make me win battles,conquer nations,conquer myself...I was letting off my ego with these thoughts...
...This realisation brought tears to my eyes and a strange feeling swelled up my heart...a feeling of generous Love,Concern and care for nothing in particular!!!
I liked to give him whatever my hand could feel."It was his luck",I told myself and the fact that it depended on me was rejoicing.
Clunk...Clunk...My hands touched a five rupee coin...I gave it to him.He smiled and raised his hand in a blessing gesture and I left.
This became a frequent practice which formed a small part of his humbler income,a reason for me to smile and the fact that I could control a tiny weeny bit of his emotions was hugely satisfying.This,I reflected felt Godlike in me and realising the ego getting over my head,washed away the thought.
My li'l time with my favourite never got stereotypical for I noted his every reaction and mine that formed simultaneousely...
At times,when my hands touched a rupee,I would feel bad..."Tough luck",I would murmur as I gave it to him,nevertheless adding another two rupees on seeing his reaction.
Now,That was cheating I told myself and laughed...But It couldn't be helped,I so Liked him...poor,Withered,lonely and too fragile to find work...
It was then I started wondering If Luck really existed.If my God looked upon me and gave me whatever I required on a random basis...The randomness would eventually fall in place...When I might have tough times coping up with life,When I felt weak,Lonely or fragile...God would consider..."Let her have it"!It had to be so or it wouldnt satisfy the way I was taught to see God...He cared endlessly,eternal love was what I would get for Loving him and beliving in him.That belief could make me win battles,conquer nations,conquer myself...I was letting off my ego with these thoughts...
...This realisation brought tears to my eyes and a strange feeling swelled up my heart...a feeling of generous Love,Concern and care for nothing in particular!!!
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